Big Decisions

Mar 27 2019

Last week, I bought a car for the very first time (NOT counting the car I helped my first bf buy, what a joke that was). No, my very own car. And this was big for a variety of reasons.

I started Ponnopozz last year and realized quickly that a car would improve my business. Once I started doing shows, it almost was a no-brainer but I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. After all, I live in Chicago with close-as-you-can-get access to the CTA. I used to take pride on my ability to ride the CTA anywhere and how I didn't need a car. These thoughts weighed in my mind. I felt trapped in my old mindset, unable to move.

I told my therapist about it one week. I mentioned I was considering a car purchase but that I was having trouble committing. Not because of the sheer convenience or benefits to my business...but no. The biggest thing was the shift in my thinking from my younger self to my current self. My current self is SO different from my 25 year old self. Before, I'd take pride in my long CTA trips. Now, I fear them. Fear is a strong word. Maybe it's more of a nagging anxiety. For instance, I recently spent a lot of time in Bridgeport for Typeforce. Via CTA, that trip takes over an hour and has several transfers that may or may not line up. This gives me intense anxiety but it never used to. Hence, I felt like I'd failed, like I'd become some sort of chicken-shit human. Who was I?

My therapist was much more practical. She said, it's okay to change, maybe this is who you are now. Maybe the person you are now wants a car.

That was it. I wanted a car.

You could argue that I don't NEED a car or the extra costs. But I wanted one deep down and I finally said fuck it, I'm doing this. I mentioned the thought to several people in my life but I never really pressed for advice or their opinion (which is rare). Typically, I crowd-source every decision I make to avoid having to make decisions. Not this time. Not only did I decide this on my own, I also decided the car I wanted without any hesitation.

It's hard to write this post because I feel like a little bitch. Oh good for you, you made a decision, want a fucking cookie? That's my toxic-ass Italian bravado talking. That mafioso deep inside talks down to me a lot and it sucks. That mentality, that voice...it makes me question so many things. This decision was no exception. I fought the voice with points of reason. 1) I need a car for Ponnopozz and 2) I'd buy used so the cost would be affordable. This quieted the mafioso voice a bit but I could still hear it even as we drove out to the dealership.

The dealership was the final obstacle. Even though I'm loud and obnoxious, I hate confrontation. I'm getting better at it but I still hate it overall. Y'all are gonna laugh because I should have known how bad this experience would be...but dang, it was worse than I expected. If you want more details about my Ed Napleton experience, feel free to read my Google review, which I've linked below.

Anyway, I'm not going to get into the nuts and bolts of what happened at the dealership – suffice it to say IT SUCKED. But I negotiated pretty well and felt confident, albeit depleted, when we finally left after 6 hours.

And now? It's been a week of car ownership and I feel so empowered. More than anything, it felt good to make a big decision and actually follow through. Now I own a car that has mentally unlocked my anxiety and given me complete freedom to do things I'd normally decline. You can't put a price on that. This decision has been a turning point for me. I'm learning to trust myself, my intuition and that my decisions will be the correct ones for ME. I'm learning to focus on that...and less on what others think.

xoxo

Meet Adrianne

Colorful, wild paintings and other art by color lover and maximalist Adrianne Hawthorne.

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