Switching Gears

Jan 23 2019

Lake Crescent, WA (photo credit: Nikole Gramm)

Today's post is based on some depression I've felt this week. I know why it's happening because it happens to me every time I travel. The culprit?

Switching gears.

I've struggled with switching gears and "back to the grind" as long as I can remember. Never wanting vacation to end, always wishing I didn't have to go back to normal life. As I've gotten older, this phenomenon has changed ever so slightly. Nowadays, I find myself struggling to switch my brain from one mode to another and that inability to switch causes depression.

Does this make sense?

The past week provides a great example. I went to California for work (side note, as I realize many of you don't know this: I have a day job. I freelance remotely for Google, my old employer). In the days leading up to the trip, I was bummed because I'd gotten into such a productive groove with Ponnopozz and I didn't want to leave that momentum. I knew I'd have a hard time maintaining Ponnopozz while on a busy work trip.

Alas, Monday morning came and I caught an early flight to the Bay area. I rented a car and drove out to Google HQ in Mountain View, thus beginning a crazy week of commuting, work and social evenings with my California friends. Granted, I had a blast meeting my co-workers in person and seeing old friends BUT I wasn't home where I'm comfortable and a few things suffered:

– Ponnopozz (I hardly posted or did any work for my business)

– Anxiety (I usually don't see anyone during my day so going to work, seeing people, then seeing friends afterwards really was different for me)

– Physical Health (travel constipation!)

– Diet (in some ways, maintaining my SIBO diet was too big a pain, so I just didn't)

After a full week of this, I was starting to feel it. My throat was doing that pesky thing where it sort of hurts but really it's a physical sign that I need to treat myself better. The night I got back to Chicago, I went to bed at 11pm and didn't wake up until NOON the next day (yup).

Photo credit: Nikole Gramm

Now we're at today, Wednesday. I just can not get back into the swing of things. Sleeping 'til noon on Monday royally fucked up my sleep schedule – last night I finally got to sleep at 2am only to wake up at 7...

The bigger issue for me is the depression that follows this lack of productivity. In a perfect world, I'd jump back in but I just can't do it. It takes days for me to adjust and those days are painful because I usually beat myself up the entire time.

I'm trying not to get mad at myself for being depressed because that's inherently fucked up. I would never make a friend feel like shit when they're depressed so logically, why do it to myself? It's hard though. Today, I don't want to do anyyyything and when I think about the work meetings I have and the things on my to-do list, I just want to bury my head in the sand.

So far today, I've gone to my cleaning shift at the yoga studio (but didn't stay for class) and I've had one work meeting. I've got a few more work-related things to do but once those are done, I plan to take it one hour at a time, even though I feel like a failure and today feels like a total loss.

About halfway through this writing, I noticed this on my desk...

Seth left some kind words for me on an envelope which I literally just noticed. How timely!

He's right. Tomorrow is another day. That's what I'll remind myself.

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Colorful, wild paintings and other art by color lover and maximalist Adrianne Hawthorne.

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